Billyum

BILLYUM

During our stay in Utah I could see Billyum declining.  Even the short amount of time I was there I witnessed a huge change. It was bone chilling. I canceled some things near the end of my trip and went to stay with them so my time before we left could be a little longer. I knew it would be the last time my children saw him. I knew it would be the last time I saw him. I didn't know how to process that or even how to experience it. 

How many times do you actually get the opportunity to say goodbye? 

Having the chance didn't make it any easier.

How did I tell him everything I wanted him to know, forever?

How did I make it clear how much I appreciated him loving me? 

How did I thank him for being there?

How did I tell him my heart?

It was one of the hardest moments of my life.

The kids knew he was sick.

We had been praying for him for over three years now.

They knew it was cancer but I didn't know just how much they got until I was in the back room packing up our things... 

Aiden walked in and asked "Is Grandpa Bill going to die?"

With my heart already leaking it then cracked quite considerably

I looked and Aiden and said "Yes, honey. I'm afraid so"

With clear emotion registering on his sweet face

he said "But I don't want him too. I like him"

I responded with "I don't want him too either baby... I like him too"

I had nothing eloquent to say other than the truth

I didn't want him to die

The value in Billyum and I's relationship increased over time.

He showed in up my life when I was 6 years old and said "I love Cookie. You are very important to her so you are now every important to me. I'm not going anywhere"

It was through years of butting heads, endless bickering (on my end mostly;) & pushing him away I finally realized he wasn't going anywhere.

He had a intense demeanor when things got rocky however I grew to appreciate that once I learned where it came from.

He contentiously showed support in my life, personally, emotionally, physically even spiritually.

He was one the sidelines at my soccer games

He tirelessly helped me with science projects and math homework even when I begged him to just do it himself since he already knew what to do 

He was at my piano recitals

.... Always as "Bill. Uh, my mom's friends husband..." 

I put my first foot in.

He continued in my life

Showing up at me and my friends "Friday night hangout"

right there hand in hand with cookie on the side of the rink 

amongst a hundred teenagers like it was the most normal thing in the world.

In that moment through the sheer embarrassment and horror that I had an adult there at my cool do whatever I want, even if I shouldn't be place, act older than I am place... 

I felt watched over

loved

protected

cared for

somebody knew and cared about the choices I was making enough to show up

I have never forgotten that moment

He was living up to our conversation when I was 6 years old...

He was there

My sister's all played volleyball and my mom helped there teams either coaching or attending all their stuff which allowed me quite a considerable amount of weekends and summertime with Cookie and Bill. They become my second family. Birthdays with them sort of became our special thing. They took me to my first Broadway Performance for my 12th birthday, Phantom of The Opera. It was magical. Bill explained that back story and chuckled when I saw women in fur coats walk into the show and my eyes widened. It was an experience I'll never forget. 

... And that was exactly what happened. I started to have these experiences with them. They would take me down to San Francisco in the Summers and expose me to museum's, Broadway shows, food and sites that completely influenced me and started to shape who I was... He even let me sip my first sip of wine at a young age not to be inappropriate but to let me experience a culture and understand something different. He constantly encouraged me to grow and expand my mind.

He was the first one to tell me how smart I was when I struggled in school. Not to blow smoke up my butt and make me feel better but because he believed I was. That was other thing about Bill, he never spoke what you wanted to hear or do something for the sake of a situation. He was who he was through and through. So when he said something you knew there was no fluff. He had a way of expressing his view in a way for you to consider it, not so you would change your thinking or even yourself but so you would grow, expand, have more knowledge.  So when he said I was smart, I believe it because I believed him. He was the only one I believed that said I could be more when I was struggling at a certain age.

That is when he became Billyum. 

I have no clue where it came from. I just started calling him that one day.

He was no longer just Bill, my moms friends husband. 

He wasn't my dad... because by traditional standards that's not the place he place he was occupying in the family tree

but he was something

something special

I remember this Bill wasn't enough, 

Billyum was formed.

It became easier to say he's just like my dad, not because I was pretending. 

I have a dad. Greg. We're very different people but I do love him.

But as I grew up I learned he didn't need to be "my dad" to be special

It was probably the deepest experience in my life up to that point that taught me that love knows no blood.

Love knows actions, people & connections... 

Love is not always bound to genealogy... neither is family

I put my other foot in

He was there on my wedding day

He was the first person (besides my mom) to hold my first child

... My first child that is when he got an official title... GRANDPA

My kids will miss him. I will forever be sad that his influence on their life was cut short. There is no better lessons than that ones he would have taught them. He was such an amazing, hands on grandpa. 

He walked me through supporting my husband in his career

He broadened my mind when moving out of state

He advised me when buying our first home

He supported me when weighed down with family drama

He was always there and always consistent with wanting me to see the other side,

expanding my view, knowing all the angles, believing I could do it and feeling confident in myself. He always built me up.

I'm going to miss that terribly

I miss him terribly

When I knew it was time to say goodbye before I got on the plane I felt our history rip through me.

He was laying down on their couch the living room, 

Cookie tapped his side and said "It's time, their going"

Not ready, I knelt beside him, held his hand & had my very last earthly conversation with one of the most influential, valued and deeply loved individuals in my life.

   

(from our last visit with him)