K- so I watched Juno yesterday... Not a typical movie I'd ever watch. I don't like that kind of humor or the corkyness of it (I don't know if corkyness is a word but it seems to fit). I had heard way different views on it, my mom walked out, my friends here thought it was 'good', my friends at home said it was 'awkward'. I didn't even on plan on seeing it. I walked past redbox yesterday and knew the kids would be going down for a nap when we got home so I thought it would be a fun treat to enjoy a movie while their sleeping. Nothing appealed to me, I saw Juno and I debated with myself thinking "It's looks like a girl Napoleon Dynamite".
(For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about a teenage girl who gets pregnant in HS and knows she not ready to be a mom. She choose's to place her baby up for adoption and finds a couple through a Penny Saver ad... Maybe that's why it hasn't worked for us yet;) we haven't tried the Penny Saver!) JK I almost turned it off, it is a weird show. I gave it a few more minutes and then the adoption came into play so of course my interest was peeked. It came to the first meeting between Juno and the hopeful adoptive parents. Preparing to meet Juno, she (Jennifer Garner aka the mom) was tweaking pictures frames, wiping an already clean surface for any dust, the whole atmosphere hit me like a ton of bricks... I just started to bawl. Especially when they met, I could feel the intense emotions of that situation. I'd never really seen to played out on screen like that before. I'm sure for anyone else it was just a part in the movie, however for people having gone through that it was an intense flashback. I knew exactly how that woman felt. When we had our home study (where the case worker comes to your house and inspects every detail and has to approve in order to pass you, it's the LAST step in completing on the requirement) I went over everything a MILLION TIMES. My heart was racing. It was 10x's spring cleaning.
Then the scene of meeting the birth mom, most of you don't know but we were chosen last December, actually November 29th. I was in Utah, Seth was flying out the next day to join me for our "early Christmas Vacation". I was in a craft store with my sister Jamie. I was looking at vinyl when my phone rang all I saw was
"714" area code, which meant it was LDS Services. They've called before with questions or requests however this time I just felt it was something. I got goosebumps and in a panic I placed my phone back in my purse. Weird, I know. I got sick to my stomach and casually told my sister I had to use the restroom. I sat on the chair in there took a deep breath and listened to the message...
"Lacey, this is Gemma (our sweet case worker) you need to call me right away, I'll try and get a hold of Seth. Hurry). I literally started to shake. I can't explain what my head was thinking. I reacted so different then I thought I would, I was scared, I didn't want to get my hopes up. I went back out into the craft store not wanting to really deal with this there, so I walked back to my sister and was relaying the message and she just looked at me like I was an idiot and said "call her back, duh" I told her we still didn't know what it meant, right when I said that my phone rang again... it was Seth. This is how the conversation went
"hello" "You're hard to get a hold of" "sorry, I'm shopping with Jam" "Well, you should have answered""Sorry, why do you sound so serious, what's wrong?""Nothings wrong. PAUSE Babe, you need to get on a plane immediately""____________" Nothing I went silent"We were chosen. There's a birth mom that wants to meet us tomorrow. You're gonna be a mom""____________" Again nothingMy knee's got weak and in spite of the public surroundings, the tears started to run uncontrollably. My sister looked at me in shock and start freaking out. Seth went on to tell me the details as I made my way out of the store.
The birth mom had narrowed her choice down to her favorite 2 that she wanted to meet but still wasn't sure. Gemma felt strongly that she needed to see our profile so she hurried the last steps as fast as she could, finally we were approved on that Friday, so they showed her our profile the next Monday morning. She read about us and looked though our pictures a couple days later she let her other two candidate's that she had chosen previously completely go and chose US.
I realized it was HUGE but in confusion I asked why is this in such a hurrying frenzy.
"She's due Wednesday, Lacey" (mind you it's Thursday right now). Whoa! Then I pulled out the Juno questions:
"How for sure is she? Like 80%, like 70%?"
"Is it a boy of girl"Seth very cal my said
"What do you think"I said "It's a boy huh""AND" he said
-Okay, so by reading my "P" blessing and with the feelings I've gotten through prayers and fasting I just knew I would have sons. One little boy I've felt particularly close too. Crazy I know. At first I thought I was crazy too however after a few experiences in the Temple I knew I was going to have a son named Mason. I have always felt that I would have a son of another race, at least part African American. We've always joked with our families saying how much cuter our little African American babies were gonna be. So when Seth said "AND" very strongly, I almost didn't believe it.
He then said "he's half black, Lacey"
My heart then burst and my vulnerability was out. I couldn't believe it. He was here!
The next few hours were crazy. Phone calls with Seth, My case worker, family and airlines. I was told it was a good idea to bring her a gift basket of some sort so she would feel loved and accepted so me and my sister's, even my cute brother-in-law headed off to the mall and searched for the perfect stuff (way difficult). That night cookie (a close family friend) took me to Target and bought me all the starter stuff I would need right away. It was so surreal.
I flew home the next morning, we met Ali a couple of hours later along with her mom and 3 yr old son. It was truly thee most nerve-racking, scary, unbelievable and dreamlike moment I had ever experienced. Meeting the woman who was possibly going to give me her child. What do I say? How do I look? Do I hug her or shake her hand? We walked into the room with both of our heart beats through the roof. Once I touched her hand I calmed down a little bit. Why I don't know? Then her son came out from behind the couch and my heart stopped. He was beautiful. It was almost a mirror of the little black boy I had always pictured... it weirded me out a little. The whole time I kept looking at her stomach. He was so close. The meeting was about 30 Min's and it went really well. They talked with her afterwards and she loved us and said we were the ones.
Crazy!
We then got a phone call that sent everything into pause mode. Something happened with the birth father that put Ali in a swirl of emotions and now didn't know what to do now? Alot of stuff behind the scene's happened (i don't think it needs to be shared) and we were asked to wait for her decision. So we ended up waiting a little over a week for the baby to come and her final decision to be made. It was most agonizing week our our lives. Wednesday night the baby was born. My heart sunk knowing I wasn't there. Saturday they were released from the hospital and on discharged she said she just couldn't do it. We then got the call informing us.
To be very honest I can't explain what and how we felt. It was the hardest thing we've ever been through. I'm a very guarded person about this area of my life, however it felt so, so right. I completely opened up. I really felt it was him. We were mad, angry, hurt, disappointed, frustrated, everything possible the first few days then we went numb. It was so close.
That was 6 months ago and it took a little while, however we've accepted what happened. It still hurts but we knew that was a risk going into this. Our families were SO great through the entire things whether it was their pure excitement or utter support and comfort. They all really stepped up. We felt the spirit so strong in hearts, we knew we weren't alone. It is still hard to understand why it felt so right, and that where we realized and were told tearfully by our case worker, that somethings can be right, things may be put in place by the Lord however in the end people still have the ability to use their agency. That's what Ali did. She used her agency. It may sound crazy, but our case worker, the people at the agency, us, our family, we all felt that this was meant to be... It just didn't turn out. It's hard to think that it was meant to be and she might have choose wrong. But we know it wasn't necessarily a wrong choice, the Lord is now
re-routing for all of us and our lives will take a different path. It's been an amazing experience to witness such a strong spirit and guidance in our lives.
WOW! I don't know where all that came from. Juno, just unlocked it. I cried through most of the movie. It was so neat to see a happy ending. I just keep thinking "I know we'll get our happy ending someday." It was just weird to feel all that through a movie. Sorry for spilling so personally on the blog. Very unlike me. We're doing good though. We've had a few "hits" since then but nothing big. Sometimes were way anxious, but for the most part we've really learned to embrace the life we have right now. We're so blessed to have each other. We're enjoying it:) So for now we've returned all the baby gadget's to the closet for safe keeping.... Someday though:)
