A little someone... we didn't see coming

i always knew i would be a mom. i'm sure many people do.

 i also always knew i would be a mom to someone i didn't give birth too.

i also always knew.... i would have boys.

 it was in my Patriarchal Blessing and also in my gut.

i expected boys and when i got them they felt familiar.

the way i bonded with them was natural and something where i felt like i picked up where i left off.

when we got Aiden our second boy, some people were like "ooh, well... fun"

 almost like "darn, you already have one" ...

it made me laugh.

i loved that it was a boy, more than that i loved that it was Aiden.

it's not that i didn't want a girl, i just literally didn't see that coming. if you know me you know i just didn't feel that in my gut. i love my nieces more than anything. again it's not that i didn't want a girl its or that i didn't dare hope for a girl cause again some of peoples lovely comments allude to the fact that they are just so much cooler to have. i just knew their would be boys. so i expected them. we thought if we ever got a girl it would a quick sign this wasn't our baby.

i remember right where i was sitting when i was reading one of Andrea's emails and all of a sudden my mind and heart stopped

.... she

 i backed up.

 sure enough it said

 "...i love my baby, s-h-e deserves more"

I just sat there.

my instinct that i thought would quickly kick in that this wasn't my baby now that the she is in place unexpectedly, didn't come.

 instead i felt the continued peace and assurance that i had from our first emails that this was my child. I called Seth and he just started to laugh and finally said "well we didn't see that coming"

pink.

ruffles.

bow's.

all of the above are still is hard for me to really grasp.

the thing that we have learned with bringing Shay into our lives is it's not the boy/girl thing that matters, its the feeling that this spirit belongs with us.

i see my sisters with their girls and it takes me a minute to realize that me now, i have now that’s going to grow up wearing pigtails instead of baseball hats.

it's weird of how different it's not

Some people have said "oh man, aren't girls just so different!" with a beaming smile on their face

like she had two boys but YAY she finally has a girl.... i know their intentions are good it just makes me chuckle

girls are different in some ways, but then again so are Mason and Aiden.

the protection feeling is definitely in a higher gear

but the love factor is simple... its the same

it's natural and easy

...and already inside of me

it surprised me when i met her

i didn't know what i would feel {?}

because again i just knew the boys were coming so i already felt familiar

so, i was a tad nervous...

....i held her and the daughter girl thing felt natural

more than that it just felt like my child

my spirit connected with hers

i knew right then another piece of my eternal family was here

i almost laughed out aloud that i didn't see her coming

it was almost like

"oh duh, it's Shay!"

She has fit into our family beautifully. i'm shocked at the lack jealously among the boys towards her. they have taken her in with love, smiles and happiness that she is here. i sort of just waited for her coolness factor to fade off to them and have them notice she takes time away from them... then the normal jealously and transition of a new family member would start... but no. It's been almost four weeks and there has been zero poking, pushing, sitting on, whining for me to put her down and help them instead or anything! It does get a little crazy in the morning when they all have to be fed RIGHT NOW or they may starve but that's not directed towards shay just my ability to feed them all in a fast manner:) They love her... even aiden is asking to hold her now. The are so concerned when she cries and the first things in the morning they ask where she is as if a good morning to her is now a daily routine:) It was been amazing to watch my boys be soft and love something so little. The bonding with her was instant for everyone in the family

Again, she just belongs





Shay's First Week Home

Shay’s first week home…

It was a little surreal, I’m not gonna lie. There were times where I’d get out of the shower and hear her crying and I’d freeze for a half of a sec and think “whaaa?” Oh yes, I have a daughter:)

The boys have honestly been so good to her I can hardly believe it, no poking, pushing, too rough or even any jealously. She simply slid in and took her place in our family with roughing up the waters. It was a transition I predicted would take a tad more work especially with Aiden. However Aiden has signed off on her. He’s not mad at me or her, just simply will stay 5 ft away most of the time. Although just yesterday he reached out to hold her so I quickly granted his requested beings he’s never done that before and I wanted to see what he would do… he plopped a big kiss on her eye and then walked away and continued playing. My heart melted. Mason on the other hand reassures her everyday of his love. He runs to get her binky when she cries and will hold it in her mouth until she has it, snuggles up to her with after bathtime on our bed and sing her his cow song. Every morning when he first see’s her he says “GOOD MORNING SHAY RAE (yes, that’s what he’s named her), I love you oooooo much!) And well, my bigger boy, Seth. He’s the most Smitten of all! There is so much love and protection in his eyes that I already know I never have to be worried, because Daddy has “got this” as he says. They are two peas in pod!

Having her here, seeing her in our family has grown the love in this household ten fold. Even though it was already busting at the seems!

she has already found her thumb:)

Easter

We brought Shay home from the hosptial just days before Easter this year so it was a pretty calm holiday for us! The day after we got home which was the friday before Easter Grandma Cookie brought the Taylor cousins out to do a little easter egg hunt with and to meet little Shay.... They were able to meet Shay but what we hadn't planned on is getting dumped on with more snow than we had all season! We improvised and the hunt in the house! The kids oddly still had a blast:) Thank heavens! We had the usual Easter baskets for the boys to find in the Morning, which they loved! They were so cute!

It was a good Easter, our first holiday as a new family.

A nice Sunday to sit and reflect all of our blessings and the resurrection of our Savior.

Placement... a day of hello's and goodbye's that are never easy!

No matter how much preparation there is on either side placement is just never easy. It can be the right-est thing in the world but the emotions in the room compare to none. Bittersweet is a simple way to explain it. It encompasses much of the meaning and somehow still seems to fall short of what really goes on.

Each placement for our children have a been a little different, however they have all had a few things in common: heart wrenching moments, gratitude that simply does not fit into words, a love the formed between the people in the room that can not be broken, moments of being speechless and the spirit so strong I could almost see it!  The entire experience is incredible… a moment I wouldn’t trade for the world….. And in ways one that is hard to live through.

A lot of people just don't get it. The night Shay was born I went to the gym to run out my thoughts on a treadmill. A lady at the gym play center, was asking about the baby, when I told her she was born earlier that day and she was doing great. Eventually it came out that I had got to be in the room when Shay was born, she looked at me weird and was like "ooh, uh… what was it like being in the room when she knows she giving the baby up?" I digested the question and said "it was beautiful because she's placing her baby with her family" ..... it's hard to explain and honestly I know not everyone gets it and that's totally okay. There was an Aunt at the hospital that tried to talk Andrea out of placing up until the birth and even after that. Not every reception we get is warm and welcoming and we're okay with that. Our skin is tough and I guess it's more because if your not in the immediate circle that is involved in something like this its hard to feel the divine power behind it and the peace that follows. I respect the people the don't feel the peace only see the loss, my compassion far out weighs my being offended in those moments.

I hear soooo many people say, "I just couldn't do it, I could never give my baby away" And I say "it's cause your not supposed to, their yours" it's hard to explain but those kids are ours, what you feel for your kids and how you could never place them is how we feel. Its a sense of where they belong. It has NEVER, EVER been a lack of love of the birth mother for their child or even a lack of being able to provide for them. It's simply because they each have gotten to a point where they have all expressed "I just felt like the baby wasn't mine, I knew they were meant for another family" They've all just 'known' so I don't expect anyone to feel the ability to place their babies whether they are a single mother or not if that wasn’t the plan waaay before you came to earth. I don't want any baby, I just want mine. The ones I had in heaven. Each of my birthmothers have known our face when they saw in it on our profile. They just knew it was us. It isn't a guessing game or a choice out of immaturity. It is one of great sacrifice and love. It's one that takes everything out of the birth mother even though it's the right thing, to put our family together. It's something I can't do. My debt runs deeper than I can say. I love them in a way that I simply can't explain.