(Extremely LONG post. It's basically my journal entry and what I recorded for Aiden's book, so it has ALOT of detail. I don't have the time to write another version for the blog... sorry! If you decide to take on this massive post, I wish you luck:)
We went down to Toquerville over Easter weekend to spend it with my mom and family. Seth was taking a shower and I was sitting at the bar in the kitchen on my mom's laptop while my sister and mom buzzed around in the kitchen. I checked my regular email (I have a different account up for adoption related stuff, but after we stopped hearing from Jesse I stopped checking daily because it was making me CRAZY:) one of my emails subject line said "It's About Love: Couple Contact" it didn't really registered because this was my normal email so I just figured it was something general from the agency. I opened it up and I saw an email from a girl named {D}. I froze. Breathe! Okay! I read the first part of the agency explaining that she was not registered and what not so it came a different way. I quickly moved on to read her email and my heart melted. She mentioned things about us from our letter and profile that was supposed to touch 'the one.' It's hard to explain. You write this incredibly personal letter to someone you've never met so some of it is general and another part you pray deeply about that the one this letter is meant for will be touched by the things you want her to know. You pray hard to write personally to someone you don't know. With Melissa it worked. One of the first things she said was she felt like our letter was meant for her. With {D} she mentioned some of those things in her email and it felt so different from the situations that didn't work out... she got the part I prayed about, like Melissa did (I realized this may not be making any sense.)
This time around we haven't said much to anyone when we hear from birth moms. It was a way to protect them and even ourselves 'just in case'... We had decided we wanted to make sure it was going somewhere before we got our families involved... the failed adopted was fun for no one! However this time my heart melted when I read her letter I just began squealing! My sister and mom just looked at me funny. I ran to the bathroom and banged on the door and yelled for Seth to open the door. He did half dressed like "women are you crazy!" I just beamed and said "we got an email!!!!!" Seth and I both know that's basically "our life might change in a matter of moments" summed up in a regular sentence. He smiled and was dressed in a matter of seconds and came out to read it. We read it out loud to my mom and sister... Yes against our rules but we felt such peace and excitement about it. It really is different when it’s the one. The email is sacred and something that will be printed for Aiden's book. I tried to calm down knowing we just did this with another birth mom a matter of weeks ago and nothing came of it. I tried to be sensible but I felt my heart connect, which scared me. I sat doing to write her back during general conference. I answered the things she'd asked about and just let go. I felt like I was writing a friend. I almost forgot what was at stake. You see when you write a birth mom so much is riding on it that you outline, analyze and edit like a nervous nelly. This time I just let go. I felt comfortable with her. It's so weird how the spirit works, how it connects you to child and their angels before you know anything about them. I am so grateful.
We checked our emails later that night. nothing. Sunday. nothing. Just breathe. Good heavens lacey it's only been two days, I told myself. Monday morning came and we saw that a storm was coming in Tuesday morning and it was supposed to be bad. Seth had spring break all week and we were in no hurry to get back. We planned to head home Tuesday or Wednesday. When we heard about the storm I felt the impression that we needed to beat it home instead of wait it out. I was a little frustrated cause I hadn't been down there in months and I didn't want to rush home, especially since Seth had all week off. I just started packing, we got the car all ready and my mom was like "I can't believe you're really going" I just said "I know" I was so bummed. It's hard to explain. Seth and I both wanted to stay, there was no reason we shouldn't but for some reason we kept packing the car and almost automatically got in the car. I almost started crying in the car, "Ah, why are we leaving, I want to see my mom still!" Seth heard that about five times in the first 30 mins. ha ha. I figured if we were going to beat the storm we should just go up to Ferron where the B family had invited to come after my moms. Again I just didn't feel good about it. It was so strange. I wanted to go and see them but again I was urged home. I finally threw my hands up and said "whatever, we'll just go home and sit the rest of spring break!" {oh dear, I really need to get better at fighting the spirit.... little did I know 'sitting' the rest of spring break was far from the plan)
We got home and spent a few hours unpacking. I realized a few hours later I didn't have my cell by me. I found it and saw that I had a few missed calls from our agency, so I listened to my messages. I called my caseworker and she said "So... {D} wants to meet you" she never even emailed us back. She got our email and requested a face to face. WOW!!!!!!! I went crazy! Seth came in the room and saw my face and so he just smiled. My caseworker explained that she was due in 5 1/2 weeks {WHAT! WOW} and so she wanted to meet us that week. She started to give me the details. It was Monday and basically we needed to be in Idaho Falls in two days on Wednesday @ 3 to meet her, she reminded us she had not chosen us yet. I just laughed and then was suddenly very, very grateful for the spirit getting me home and not stuck in the storm even though I fought it the whole way. We got the call no more than an hour after we were home. We had just enough time to unpack, do laundry and pack up again. The drive up there seemed like an ETERNITY, we had plenty of time to think about how crazy this was. We knew it wasn't going to be a long wait, because as we were taking our time going through the process again, after a few months we really felt the impression we needed to hurry. It kind of made me nervous. We were starting the process again because we were told it would take longer living in Utah to get a baby as well as it being our second. So, feeling the need to HURRY wasn't something I expected. We followed the spirit and not even two months after being approved Aiden's mom found us. I see why we had to hurry, she was already 7 months along when we felt the push to complete the process.
Meeting her was like meeting Melissa in a lot of ways, the peace we felt, the fit that seemed to take place as we hugged for the first time and as my heart seemed to connect with her ever growing belly. And different in the fact that she {D} is completely different, different as in feeling Aiden's spirit was new to both Seth and I. We couldn't put our finger on a name for the longest time. We had ones we wanted to use but when we thought of a second, NOTHING stuck, even my favorite ones. The night before we met {D} we were talking it over with Seth's parents and we were trying to figure out what sounded good and worked... I finally told Valli "I just don't think we've heard it yet" On our way up to meet {D}(our drive seemed to last an eternity so Seth and I had mounds of time to talk, worry and ponder:) I expressed how this time was even more new and scary to me than the first time was. With Mason I new his name, his spirit and almost him, long before I met him. I have dreamed, envisioned and prayed for years about him. I knew he was Mason. I knew and felt who he was. With our second I told Seth how scary it was that I hadn't had those same experiences for our second (not that I had much time too:) As we were talking my phone rang and it was our Casework. She was giving us a little more info on {D}and then said "Lacey, {D} has been planning to parent for almost her whole pregnancy, it wasn't until a few weeks ago that she knew she couldn't do it and that he belonged with someone else. She has a name she has been calling him, she would like to know if you would consider maybe using it for his middle name?" I asked what the name was and she said "Aiden" Seth over heard it through the phone and I saw him smile as my heart jumped. AIDEN. DUH! Is really what I felt like. Of course it's Aiden. We had never even thought of that name but the feeling and emotion that came with it was very powerful. All the connections that I was worried about not feeling yet, flooded me as we drove. I felt like I knew him and I almost laughed out loud like duh it's been Aiden the whole time. I had my first moment of knowing my second son. I know this sounds crazy to most of you. But when your not pregnant you don't bond the same way. I don't feel him grow so the Lord has blessed me and maybe many adoptive moms with spiritual connections. Mine and Seth's have come through their names. Aiden seems as familiar as air now. We can't believe it wasn't Aiden to us all along. {D} is placing for a few reasons, her main one being she wants a father for her child. She grew up without one and feels strongly that she missed out and doesn't want to do that to her son. We immediately knew Aiden's middle name would be Michael after his dad, Seth Michael. We were planning Bruce after my grandpa however the feeling for Michael for this child strongly won over.
We arrived in Idaho falls just before our meeting was scheduled. We dropped Mason off with one of his aunts from his amazing birth families who lives right there in town to watch him while we met with {D}. It was supposed to be an hour... it ended up being 4 1/2 hrs. We swung by a florist place and got her a spring bouquet and head to the agency with flowers in one hand and homemade oreo's in the other hand... just trying not to puke. What! That's the truth. It's more nerve racking than anything else I've ever experienced. We walked in, she was sitting down looking like she was ready to pop. With Melissa she chose us so early on that when we met her she was barley showing. {D} on the other hand was very much showing. When we met Melissa we had known already that she had chose us and just wanted to meet us to get to know us. With {D} when we met her she hadn't chosen us yet, so it was different, still intense but on a different level. As we entered the room I felt the spirit sweep to be by my side. I felt intense, but calm. I bent over and gave her a hug. We talked about everything under the sun. Not joking. About her life, our life, fears, funny stories and what led her to where she is and why she decided to place. Her mom arrived an hour into the conversation, so we spent another hour getting to know her and answering all of her questions.
The director finally came in after two hours and said "I'm so sorry to cut this off but this room is being used at 5 for a support group meeting. They asked if we'd like to go out to dinner with them, so we told them we'd love to and asked if it was okay if we brought Mason. We went to get Mase and met them at Olive Garden. They instantly fell in love with Mason (how can you not). We spent another 2 1/2 hrs with them. It was surreal. She brought in all of her Ultrasounds and shared them with us.
Near the end of the 2 hours, Mason started to get beyond restless. Let’s just say she saw our 'real life' which was good. I was trying to tame him when, I look over at {D} and her eyes were filled with tears.. I froze. Over the last few hours we got a strong sense of who {D} was: strong, independent and not pregnant emotional :) We only saw tears a few times throughout our time together and it was when she would talk about Aiden and why she is doing what she is doing. This time it was full on tears, I quietly handed Mason to Seth and leaned into {D}. She looked at me and just said "I don't really know how all this works, but Dale (her caseworker) said if I felt right about you than I could make my decision... I want you guys to be my son’s parents!" She continued "I just stared at your email when I got it over the weekend, I felt something inside, and I felt that again but even more when you walked into the room today. Then when I saw you with Mason I knew this was my son's family." Emotion that I can't even describe welled in my chest. I looked at her and said "Are you sure?" (I know, but I couldn’t' get anything else out) She just nodded her head and said "I know when he comes it's going to be the hardest day of my life and I'm going to want to change my mind, but I know that I can't. I've been trying to make that possible for 8 months and I know that it's not. I think I needed to try that long and that hard to be able to place knowing I did everything I could to keep him. Once I finally came in to LDS Services and talked about adoption, I knew that it felt right. I felt like he belonged with someone else." I looked over at her mom as she sobbed. She looked at us and said "I chose you too." We all just cried. I looked at {D} and told her how much I thanked her, that she would never understand the depth of my gratitude. That she was giving me something as a woman that I couldn't give myself or my family. I told her I loved her and that I would love Aiden everyday of his life. She said "I know you will, that's why I chose you" It was such an incredible moment. The people next to us in the restaurant got quite a show:) She told us that she would never force the name Aiden on us, but that it just seemed to fit him and that she would love if a little piece of her could go with him, even if it was a middle name. We smiled and just told her we think it fits too and that she just named him:)
INCREDIBLE MOMENT. I think that's why it's taken me so long to actually put it into words. Because still I have not done it justice. However I know I'll want this recorded, so I did my best. We walked out to the car took some pictures, hugged tightly and said "we'll see you in a few weeks!" Life since then has been crazy. Preparing for a baby in a matter of weeks in thrilling and exhausting. When I slow down and actually think about what's happening I get so emotional and overwhelmed. I am so in love with Aiden already. I feel so beyond blessed, almost unworthy of this. The debt I feel to these birth moms is indescribable! They are selflessly building my family. Something I cannot do. I love my Savior. I love my boys. It's been emotional thinking of Mason not being my baby anymore. Knowing Aiden will be taking his room and Mason will need to go downstairs sends me in a whirlwind of emotions. Please tell me other moms have felt like this. Mason has been my whole world. I know Aiden is supposed to be with us. A lot sooner than we planned but that just confirms to me of how much it's meant to be. I can't wait to meet him. It's overwhelming trying to prepare everything before he comes and make the decisions of where to have Mason stay while we go to Idaho to get his Aiden that can be anywhere from a week to two weeks! (the emotion of leaving Mason is a whole different post!) But I know the Lord will walk us through this. I pray for {D} and all that she will be facing and is facing as it comes closer. I pray that she will feel her reward for doing the right thing sooner rather than later. I pray I do something right in this lifetime or even the next to deserve Mason and now Aiden. Because heaven knows they are more than I ever dreamed.
